Identity and obligation

On nursepam's recommendation, I've visited phat mommy's blog and made off with her first workshop topic. I'm skipping any further preliminary banter, and it's on to the workshop questions.

Workshop Topic #1: Identity & Obligation

Do you control which parts of your identity are exposed?

I used to, in fact lived for 48 years, 9 months, 2 weeks, and 6 days pretending to be someone I was not in actuality. From 1998 until the 28 August, 2003, the outer shell I began to craft probably from birth, was increasingly deconstructed, finally meeting it's demise on my mom's 75th birthday.

In that seven year period, there were two identities, and both were evolving. There was the one behind closed doors and online, where I probed the secret spaces of who and what I am. And there was the public personna, the one morphing by the other explorations, changing from average male to androgynous person, to one increasingly unstable and susceptible, growing weaker as the other personna gained knowledge of self, of a right to exist, of in fact laying claim to the entire being that is in fact me.

Now it is all one, this is me, there is no need to hide any part of me. It's been almost 3 years since fully coming out; coming out as transgendered woman, coming out as gay woman. I stand for my community and don't shy from such things. What I do shy from is the consequences of the transformation process. Shy from and simultaneously carry much guilt.

Do you feel an obligation to represent for your gender, race or culture?

Obligation to represent, no. A desire to represent some parts of me, yes. I feel no racial pull, but I do feel a decidedly strong gender and as well as the pull of the overall lgbt community.

I know some wonder why it is I'm not more actively involved with transgender issues; it's not a lack of desire to represent this community, it's more... crossing gender lines is a rather unique thing to do, it does not compare well to say... going from being Catholic to pagan.

When one crosses gender lines, it's to finally bring body in tune with mind, and from my perspective, it is mind which calls the shots on who we are. I gladly assist anyone who is need and who might be referred to me. My therapist has done this twice along the way. But it's also not my intent to wear a big "I'm transgendered!" sign upon me when out and about. I don't shy from it, everyone I work with knows, but... it need not be proclaimed to the universe.

Conversely, I hold dear to feminism and to the lgbt community, particularly the 'L" of that acronym, a community that by and large saw me through the transformation, providing comfort, and where needed, nurturing. To me... if a community can be home, this one is such, not by choice, but by feeling... it just feels as this is where I belong. Naturally.   

Do you feel you’re not allowed to comment on issues facing a group to which you don’t belong?

Tough question to answer. Frequently I willingly face opinion hostile to the feminist or lgbt community. Everyone has a right to opinion. I feel my responses can play a role in changing minds, perhaps not of the responder/challenger, but of those on the periphery lurking, who might have no concrete opinion.

Even with groups to which I *do* belong, there are things I'm unqualified to address. As a transgender woman, I've not had the experiences most women have as they go through life. Mine have been different. So there are things I'd never feel comfortable holding an opinion on or giving voice to. But on other things say... equality, choice, on how society views women or lgbt folk, yeah... my voice will be heard. There is so very much we don't know, and really what we do know is the smallest of fractions compared to the unknown.

How do you decide what aspects of your identity you will reveal in your blog: culture, sexual orientation, political ideology, religion?

One thing that comes with my writing... what you see is what is in my head. There was that painful metamorphosing process where it took a sometimes very excrutiating look within, prompted by sometimes contentious discussion without, to get here. Having been so very secretive about my inner thoughts, deconstructing almost 5 decades of learned behaviour was in restrospect, something that should have taken those 5 plus years.

How do you feel about using your real name? Your childrens’ names?

Using my real name online? I have for years, at least in part. The name used here is in fact nickname, one by which I am known at work. I'd never put my complete name out here, and I am also careful when referring to my children... they are written of as *R* and *K.* There are safety issues that require a very pragmatic and prudent usage. Behind the scenes, probably most who read this space do in fact know my identity.

If you blog about your race, religion, etc, - or even a personally difficult time of your life - do you feel it opens you (and your family) up to attack and/or do you feel it is a wonderful way to promote acceptance and diversity?

It's a gamble to be sure. I've been criticised, told I'm a woman wannabe, a failed male, someone who overcompensates in holding dear feminism, had one co-worker ask another how it feels to work with 'it,' etc. I've even been challenged on this blog on who exactly I am, and how I represent, my level of involvement and connection. Such things don't bother me, I might engage to a point, but most often try to stay true to my greater goal of moving our community onward and upward.

I am at heart a private person. I'm also one who is self taught (with much guidance) on digging within and pulling out what is pertinent, what is hidden. There are those who deserve thanks for this... Denise, , a redhead, Shannon, my sis, and someone who had huge impact, who told me their name with the qualifier "me and 5,000,000 German Shepards!" (have that name.) They each opened unique doors, sometimes asking, sometimes questioning, sometimes pushing, sometimes enlightening, sometimes giving me clarity of vision. Others helped to be sure, and the list could go on quite a spell, but those five (I can't count) were key contributors really, touching my life in unique and wonderful ways. Others simply were there to support... a skeet, a Jen, a sassymonkey, an at times undocumented multinational we shall call lav, Janet, Vanda, Bethy, and so many others.

In the end, I do have need to and believe in be(ing) heard, or to at least get it out of my head, thus the theme for the blog is Linda Perry's "just to get it out what's in my head."