This posting will be the last entry for Crossing the Great Divide. The blog will remain, but I'll not be posting to it any longer. I've enjoyed this blog, a lot of hard work went into building it, and it has recorded snippets of my life for the last 16 months. Sometimes... sometimes... we can swim beyond the imagery.
nelle
I feel compelled to post tonight, but the words are not coming to me easily.
Normally blogging is something that is in the flow of my day, a news report, a song, a tree or other element of nature, will send my mind off in tangental contemplation, sometimes morphing into a wholly different subject, as seen through the triggering item.
Not so today. I self emersed in Beth after 15 minutes or so of news. A local story, police officer shot the night before, predominated. They had caught the assailant, who had fled to his gram's in Boston. When I got out of work, the first local news story was of his fighting extradition for killing Officer Briggs. Without any other details, they clued me in to what horror came to Officer Brigg's family during this day.
The last officer lost in the line of duty here was 30 years ago. I was in college, and my mom was horrified; that officer lived but four homes cityside of ours.
Enough of this news, my mind already in some state of agitation over the section of The Pact I'm reading. I've reached the climax of the story, wherein the explanation of what happened in the key moments is presented. This book, like all good books, has triggered my mind in so many ways. I mentioned this privately, but there was this juxtaposition of trepidation over proceeding with the read, yet at the same moment my mind let fleetingly pass through it a nonsensical thought of leave slip so I could read the book. Dread and anticipation in the same package. Geesh, does this sound like me or what? Or should that be moved from the rhetorical, and closed with an exclamation point instead of a question mark?
I've done my favourite thing, digress... but in this case, I've digressed from randomness, something that really isn't possible. The proper continuation, in my mind's eye, was a segue into my mind getting lost in the voice and descriptives of Beth. This was something actively contemplated, as my mind told itself the Beatles Let It Be for me is really "when I find myself in times of trouble, Beth Orton comes to me, singing words of wisdom..."
How very apt and true, within the sphere of my life.
Last fall I had started a blog on the music of my life. The rationale for this is music being a very important element/tool/catalyst for me, and always has been.
I'd been rather remiss in posting to it, and occasionally still put my my musical musings in this space. Then I set out upon the TypePad journey, moving and developing my regular blog. Then it was the photo pages, as well as the adjunct pages for the various sidebar items.
Now that that is all pretty much in order, it was time to move the music blog from blogger to my TypePad account. So over the last couple of weeks, I built the new TypePad version of the music blog, quietly constructing the background, banner, and the sidebar element, which is a listing of many artists I enjoy. Each picture reveals the artist's name when you pass your cursor over it, and each pic links to their official website.
You can find the regular link in the favourite music section of the sidebar here, but here is the link...
I'd like to encourage anyone who wishes to share to share an artist with me, there are so very many I've not checked out, a treasure trove of music that might touch my life. I do have intent to explore the work of Katie Curtis, and would prefer to do this before adding her to the blog. There are many others I have in memory and will get to adding... Maria Muldaur, not sure if she still performs, but she would be one example fo someone from the past.
Anyway, it's now published and public...
I've not been posting as prodigiously the last few days, preoccupied with where life takes me. Interestingly, we are in a new moon phase, yet are seeing full moon doings... we are tidal, and as with the tides, we are getting whammed on a dual cycle of nuttiness.
With this in mind, I'm not responsible for what wanders from mind to fingers to keyboard.
Tom Cruise - not a big fan, and should declare this up front for clarity. Paramount... has every right to do as they have done. I've every right to refrain from watching most of the fare he acts in. Yet... there is unease in me over the root of this separation. Whilst I am also not a scientologist, and don't even play one on a blog, or wish to, it is nonetheless his belief system, and hope what we see is more reaction to his abhorrent conduct in dissing Brooke, psychiatry, and such, than it is about his beliefs.
I hope not. And also hope Tom learns from this in how to better respect others, whilst the rest of us kinda make sure we aren't dissing this guy for the wrong reasons. Right reasons... ok. Now if that makes sense, you are immune to this moonal cycle.
I've been moving my music blog under the type pad account. It's not something I post to with the frequency of this space, but since I am so dependent upon music, it is a natural for me to store such stuff. Hopefully, with it now located under my account, I can update it a bit more. I've lots more artists to add to the sidebars. Please keep in mind these are only artists to which I actively listen at this point in time... so if ya wish to peek at this work in progress... World In A Song
Michigan Womyn's Music Festival... um, those of you who know me know my views on this, which is basically ambivalence, always has been. I've taken some heat for that over the years, but... there are so many issues within issues here, I'm just gonna say one day we will find a way to heal this wound in *all of us.*
IE 7 beta 3 sucks. I'm quite sure this is not the first space to say that. It has more flaws than I do.
I've put my iVillage playing on hold. Over the last few years, the nonsense directed towards the lgbt community has racheted upward, and the mods there are slow on the draw. I know some are sympathetic, but also have a suspicion others aren't, and well... I reached a point where it was time to rethink my regular involvement there. I'm sure they miss me not. Will I remain away? I'd never say that, because I could play there in five minutes, or not for a year, but think it is temporary, whilst my mind just finds whatever it seeks before returning. I tend to go into such contemplative moments.
I'm reading Pema Chöndrön, kids stuff for those that read of such things, deep stuff for me. It's written for my wee brain.
I've not done much blog visiting this week, so I shall start making my rounds shortly. After I pee.
It was my intent to word a brief fanfare to my 400th blog post, but alas, stupid is as stupid does, and it was missed, this being 407.
With my great disappointment showing, we move on to other things.
We are a wee bit over 4 months from 2007. For me, that is an all too brief time from now, yet it is also light years away. In the next few months, legal resolution will come to my business ending. Some would look at me and think "how pathetic," and yes, the overall picture would be of some sad and sorry case.
But there is more than meets the eye here. Since it's closing in early November, 2003, I went through a depressive period of time, a time of self evaluation, of looking at my life and deciding if life was to live, or if life was to end; life of worthiness, life of nothingness.
Those were trying times, day after day, night after night of trial and error efforts to look at all manner of things within me. As winter morphed into spring into summer, I was working out of this, but a catalyst was needed, and that finally came, unfortunately came, right on the heels of a break with my eldest daughter. And that catalyst was... work.
Over the last two years, I've continued this process, finding my spirituality and as such... a guidance system, finding my work ethic, melding all of me into one person focused on living a worthy life dedicated to worthy things, not on some grand scale the world can proclaim as wondrous, but on the scale of a simple, individual human being who makes mistakes, who admits to them, who stays focused on the key elements of my spirituality.
There is but one thing within my ability to make a difference... how I choose to live. May this guide me always.
Just a quick note... I've added a new Vizu poll on BlogHer to the sidebar, it has no expiration date, so I intend to leave it up for a while, even if it collects dust. Feel free to vote - or not.
I'm setting here frustratingly bewildered, totally at a loss on what subject to commit to this screen.
I'm searching for and through mental cues and clues. That well is dry, tapped an over amount this week. What's going on in my life of interest? Easy. Nothing. How about with family, friends, etc... well, not really crazy on writing much on their doings, which after all are... their doings.
Old standby's? Music? What's playing in my head... I'm not ready to make nice... by the Dixie Chicks. Nah, can't shape that into a posting. Politics, the president has now called out Islamic Fascists. Hey, way to go George, ya just pissed off another million or two and got them up and on their way for terrorist training... but, nah.
I look at this screenboard. Compose Post... ComPost. Yeah, ComPost. My mind is fermenting. Or is it atrophying? Throw some yeast in here, please. Um, I tore down walls, only to build new ones. Oh, yeah, I've got walls. Safety first... not where my typing should venture on this evening.
The beer I am drinking. A Sam Adams Summer Ale (yum.) Har, beer talk. Maybe I should brew some again, right. My mom would shoot me for the stench that would be left in it's overboiled wake.
Readings... blogged on that already. Future readings,well... I have some on my hunting list, see Katie's Reading Frenzy for good suggestions. I'm taking a suggestion from there for next B & N visit. Puma Chöndrön will be coming along as well.
Sports? How about a WNBA team in Boston, grrrrrr? Geesh. Should I write an entire sports post?
Hey, I'm more than halfway through my character selection and type placement, and have yet to touch the overused cliché of a title of this thread.. ok, wrinkles. They start showing up when your chronological registry of time around the sun shows the count as 51+. Some days more than others. And depending on weight, eh? Too thin, more wrinkles. Too heavy... wrinkle morphs into something worse. Angled light... more wrinkles. No matter, my brain is wrinkled, and on that one, I'm not alone. I can live with those wrinkles. Just don't plasticise me. There was a two part, rather ugly report on NPR about this the last two days.
There are wrinkles in everything I do. Which means a caveat to every rule, an unexpected turn in every expectation, wash and wear in reality can morph into wash, iron, and wear, hell, even the carpet can develop wrinkles, and that one is highly annoying.
Maybe I really need to just be reading the creativity of others. Blogher offers a treasure trove of a hunting ground, but if I go in that window, who will pull me back out?
Apparently my heteronormative post was on the periphery of a larger, heated exchange between blogging mommies and non-mommies.
My take? Sigh.
Guess I'd seen some of the shots as they were fired, but really wished to ostrichsise myself (as opposed to ostracise) and pretend there were no bullets striking all around the spaces I wandered. I've not even yet ventured out to see who's saying what about whom and or just about what, and probably will in a bit...
but. Not sure I wish to hear it. What I do wish to do is stand on a mountain and blow a whistle.
The full extent of this was brought home in discussions last evening with Denise also author of Fast Times @ Homeschool High and with sassymonkey. I believe their outlook on all this is worthwhile as well.
Um, I'm feeling for the blogher organisers and founders. Something so very kewl and forward thinking reduced to the tired skirmishes of mommies and feminists. Um, lots of mommies *are* feminists, and lots of feminists are mommies, so why the range war?
Well, I know from playing extensively on a feminist board there are tensions, apparently some feminists think being a sahp is a betrayal to greater feminism. Some mommies think feminists see them in this lowly light, and thus dis on feminists.
With message boards and blogging, all of these voices are being heard, and when they mix, apparently do not produce the outlook equivalent of this dictionary definition of solution:
1a. A homogeneous mixture of two or more substances, which may be solids, liquids, gases, or a combination of these.
nor apparently does it produce these definitions of solution:
3a. The method or process of solving a problem.
3b. The answer to or disposition of a problem.
My personal opinion is in large part offered up by my favourite columnist, Ellen Goodman. In Getting over the mommy wars, Ellen talks on this ongoing range war between women, outlining why it is so counterproductive, and so in need of an end date.
Yanno, in this case, my own opinion is both one of wishing to reconcile both parties with the other, but also of some sympathy for mommies who, as is their encouraged right, converged on the blogher convention to share in furthering the blogging cause of women. Um, so what if they predominated? Next year, how about more of those who desparage the mommies seek to join up with them at blogher? Goddess, I'd love to go, but it may not be possible for a couple of years.
Once again I resort to mantra saying we are all unique, but it's true. It's also true that we fit into broad categories on a more macro level. So long as mommies and those who see things differently focus their attentions on each other, rather on the overall advancement of women towards our goal of being equal and equally heard, then we spin our wheels. And so long as we spend our time totally in theory and not in application, we fail to work onward towards these goals.
As any who parents knows, it's real life application, not theory. The theory is good for those down moments between feeding, clothing, cleaning, shuttling, shopping, healing, comforting, educating, praising, worrying, guiding, and so on. Most feminists I know are in fact parents. Most are mommies, and well, that's one test I fail, though I am parent.
Feminism exists because women are fundamentally not equal in reality, but we lose widespread support because we allow those who feel threatened by our simple goals to define who we are. And here we are, busily assisting them in the process.
OK, time to shuddup and venture about. Where are the kevlar vests and helmets? Are steel toed boots a necessity on my wandering?
On nursepam's recommendation, I've visited phat mommy's blog and made off with her first workshop topic. I'm skipping any further preliminary banter, and it's on to the workshop questions.
Workshop Topic #1: Identity & Obligation
Do you control which parts of your identity are exposed?
I used to, in fact lived for 48 years, 9 months, 2 weeks, and 6 days pretending to be someone I was not in actuality. From 1998 until the 28 August, 2003, the outer shell I began to craft probably from birth, was increasingly deconstructed, finally meeting it's demise on my mom's 75th birthday.
In that seven year period, there were two identities, and both were evolving. There was the one behind closed doors and online, where I probed the secret spaces of who and what I am. And there was the public personna, the one morphing by the other explorations, changing from average male to androgynous person, to one increasingly unstable and susceptible, growing weaker as the other personna gained knowledge of self, of a right to exist, of in fact laying claim to the entire being that is in fact me.
Now it is all one, this is me, there is no need to hide any part of me. It's been almost 3 years since fully coming out; coming out as transgendered woman, coming out as gay woman. I stand for my community and don't shy from such things. What I do shy from is the consequences of the transformation process. Shy from and simultaneously carry much guilt.
Do you feel an obligation to represent for your gender, race or culture?
Obligation to represent, no. A desire to represent some parts of me, yes. I feel no racial pull, but I do feel a decidedly strong gender and as well as the pull of the overall lgbt community.
I know some wonder why it is I'm not more actively involved with transgender issues; it's not a lack of desire to represent this community, it's more... crossing gender lines is a rather unique thing to do, it does not compare well to say... going from being Catholic to pagan.
When one crosses gender lines, it's to finally bring body in tune with mind, and from my perspective, it is mind which calls the shots on who we are. I gladly assist anyone who is need and who might be referred to me. My therapist has done this twice along the way. But it's also not my intent to wear a big "I'm transgendered!" sign upon me when out and about. I don't shy from it, everyone I work with knows, but... it need not be proclaimed to the universe.
Conversely, I hold dear to feminism and to the lgbt community, particularly the 'L" of that acronym, a community that by and large saw me through the transformation, providing comfort, and where needed, nurturing. To me... if a community can be home, this one is such, not by choice, but by feeling... it just feels as this is where I belong. Naturally.
Do you feel you’re not allowed to comment on issues facing a group to which you don’t belong?
Tough question to answer. Frequently I willingly face opinion hostile to the feminist or lgbt community. Everyone has a right to opinion. I feel my responses can play a role in changing minds, perhaps not of the responder/challenger, but of those on the periphery lurking, who might have no concrete opinion.
Even with groups to which I *do* belong, there are things I'm unqualified to address. As a transgender woman, I've not had the experiences most women have as they go through life. Mine have been different. So there are things I'd never feel comfortable holding an opinion on or giving voice to. But on other things say... equality, choice, on how society views women or lgbt folk, yeah... my voice will be heard. There is so very much we don't know, and really what we do know is the smallest of fractions compared to the unknown.
How do you decide what aspects of your identity you will reveal in your blog: culture, sexual orientation, political ideology, religion?
One thing that comes with my writing... what you see is what is in my head. There was that painful metamorphosing process where it took a sometimes very excrutiating look within, prompted by sometimes contentious discussion without, to get here. Having been so very secretive about my inner thoughts, deconstructing almost 5 decades of learned behaviour was in restrospect, something that should have taken those 5 plus years.
How do you feel about using your real name? Your childrens’ names?
Using my real name online? I have for years, at least in part. The name used here is in fact nickname, one by which I am known at work. I'd never put my complete name out here, and I am also careful when referring to my children... they are written of as *R* and *K.* There are safety issues that require a very pragmatic and prudent usage. Behind the scenes, probably most who read this space do in fact know my identity.
If you blog about your race, religion, etc, - or even a personally difficult time of your life - do you feel it opens you (and your family) up to attack and/or do you feel it is a wonderful way to promote acceptance and diversity?
It's a gamble to be sure. I've been criticised, told I'm a woman wannabe, a failed male, someone who overcompensates in holding dear feminism, had one co-worker ask another how it feels to work with 'it,' etc. I've even been challenged on this blog on who exactly I am, and how I represent, my level of involvement and connection. Such things don't bother me, I might engage to a point, but most often try to stay true to my greater goal of moving our community onward and upward.
I am at heart a private person. I'm also one who is self taught (with much guidance) on digging within and pulling out what is pertinent, what is hidden. There are those who deserve thanks for this... Denise, , a redhead, Shannon, my sis, and someone who had huge impact, who told me their name with the qualifier "me and 5,000,000 German Shepards!" (have that name.) They each opened unique doors, sometimes asking, sometimes questioning, sometimes pushing, sometimes enlightening, sometimes giving me clarity of vision. Others helped to be sure, and the list could go on quite a spell, but those five (I can't count) were key contributors really, touching my life in unique and wonderful ways. Others simply were there to support... a skeet, a Jen, a sassymonkey, an at times undocumented multinational we shall call lav, Janet, Vanda, Bethy, and so many others.
In the end, I do have need to and believe in be(ing) heard, or to at least get it out of my head, thus the theme for the blog is Linda Perry's "just to get it out what's in my head."
Some of you do *not* know that one year ago, a raging debate was underway between Denise and I. Nothing new there, and you know the two of us can, on occasion, dance around an issue?
So it was, we were once again not in agreement, my questioning how blogging builds community, message boards being far more able to quickly accomplish this - or so I argued. You can figure out what Denise argued, I'm not speaking for her, my life has value. The debate raged over days, with point, counterpoint, frustrated Denise, frustrated me, and finally.. was I who became sufficiently ticked and walked for a time.
There was one element of Denise's comments that will get placed here... she told me not to bother to blog, you won't take it seriously.
In the walking away, my miffedness sufficient to go to blogger and rivet together a blog, I began with this post:
And so it was, the sillyness unfurled. At the end of April of this year, the blog was moved to type pad, and I love it here.
There ya have it, one year later. This is post 381. Did I take it seriously?
