swim beyond the imagery

Do you solemnly swear...?

As my mom reacted to some stimulus or other, it occurred to me that she was giving a rather good go at swearing. I believe there was a 'god damn' playing within earshot of me.

I've had my moments in the past, the teen and college years where every phrase must include 'fuck' in order for one to continue with whatever it is they are saying. Or rather 'fucking,' or 'fuckin.' Fucking fuckin fuck.

You reach a certain age, and that stuff fades out of your language - or hopefully fades out. It is sorta not good form to be tossing f bombs around liberally as your 2 year old is developing her language skills.

I'm reminded of one time when T, me, and our eldest - somewhere around 3 - are heading for my in laws home. T is driving, and a driver sorta kinda pulls out in front of her. This prompted a quick and decisive 'ass hole!' outburst.

Now adults are used to such commentary, we have an idea of wherefrom the frustration stems. I chose to be mute. There is a few seconds of silence. and out of the back seat, from the car seat back seat, comes a legitimate question: "mommy, why is he an ass hole?" Good call, R!

Now I'm 53, kidlets are no younger than 16, and no longer actively in my presence. They are of an age where language would be at its most colourful, one designed for friends, one designed for parents, and eventually the two merge, much to the consternation and increasing resignation of parents, inversely proportional to their age.

So they aren't the issue. Nope, it is my soon to be (28 August) 80 year old mom. She swears more than me. A lot more. Go figure.

Safe space

I'm rapidly reaching the conclusion safe space is an illusion. If we wish to be safe, then we have to be wise in our choices of where we - wait a minute...

it makes me crazy when some argue how we dress, or where we go might be contributory to sexual assault...

yet here I am about to conclude we are only as safe as the cyber bubble we carve out for ourselves, moment by moment.

No space can be completely safe, because we are all free thinking beings, and at any given moment someone might surface that doesn't much care for me for my looks, my gender, my orientation...

but my idealist inclinations and my overall optimism keeps telling me we can create our own safe spaces.

I'm inclined to play on places where there is debate, and debate is not always conducive to I'm ok, you're ok interaction. On those spaces, perhaps it is not safe space, but rather allies who give us some semblance of safety.

Both have taken heavy hits over the past two weeks. In one instance, people who are normally allies of the lgbt community expressed misgivings - rather strongly - over Day of Silence, professing that DOS should be left at the door of a classroom. Interestingly, the National Education Association has info on DOS on their website - advocating in a positive way. No mention of leaving silence at the door. Please don't claim unconditional support for the lgbt community if you then remove one of the few ways a student can positively express their support for an end of ill treatment of gay folk.

And within dyke space itself, sad doings I simply won't bother going into. Suffice it is to say I've had to walk away from a community that was rapidly disintegrating into unequal subsets of the once vibrant and larger community. It saddens me that things could not be worked out, that my concerns were not seen as valid... and I thank another for standing by me at the price of her own involvement. Thank you.

I'll be taking my mind elsewhere in a few moments, but... for those of you who are accepting, who have given me a safe place, who have encouraged, perhaps prodded, hugged, perhaps mildly rebuked, loved, nurtured, given and accepted friendship and such... thank you.

Reckless abandon?

Politics has always been a passion for me, at least since a time when I could actually pick up a newspaper and read.

There was some interest early on. JFK captured my attention when first elected - a distinctive voice, from the general area (New England), not to mention witty and amusing. So not otherwise giving a hoot beyond knowing the president was La Grande Fromage of the US, he was simply an idol. The Cuban  Missile Crisis, and unfortunately his assassination, all captured my interest, but not on a level one might find in adulthood.

My first real interest in actually following a news story came with the Six Day War in 1967. 12 at the time, there was drama, there was geopolitical consequences, and there was quick resolution to the immediate conflagration.

It has pretty much been this way ever since.  Currently I co-host a political  debate message board, but something has gone missing. Over the past several months, my involvement there, this in the middle of the most contentious cycle of American politics, has dwindled to a few posts a week. My interest in reading stories, hearing news stories, etc... has been similarly diminished.

Why nelle, you look a bit feverish.

Not really. Came primary season. We are second up after the Iowa caucuses, and my vote was slipped in the scanner almost 4 months ago now. Since then, Hillary & Co, and Barack & Co, have worked to show which one is best able to insult the other. If my reaction to all this remained physical, I'd be rolling my eyes 24 hours a day.

Pssst. H & B... everything I hope for in a leader, and have been frustrated at each turn in seeing come to reality, is being shredded and tossed to the wind. An ideal leader for me? Is there anyone I know who does not know that Barbara Jordan was a political goddess to me? She is your aspiration unsought.

Mix that with my move toward reiki, and it was rather easy to tune it out.

Am I interested? Yes. Am I disappointed? Yes. What is my hope? Can we elect someone posthumously? And more importantly, have we developed the technology to let them serve for 8 years from wherever they are?

Can I take these two illustrious candidates, and can I make them watch video of the Watergate hearings or a speech from the 1976 Democratic convention? One need not say a thing thereafter. Watch Barbara work, and tell me she isn't the most brilliant politician we never had the chance to elect to national office. Since we can't have her, maybe by watching the tape, one of these two will figure it out.

Roll tape. And Hillary, no you can't make paper aeroplanes.

Postscript

When I started writing this, it was with the intent to ponder my own adopted informational indifference to the current state of this election campaign. Is this dangerous, am I simply bending at the waist and inserting my head deep into a cover of sand? Ah, but the flow of words had other ideas, and actually something to say.

48 years of some level of interest fades not abruptly, rather unseeingly slow. .

The Optimism of Spring

In my first decade of life, spring wasn't something you contemplated, it was something you experienced.

There was no perspective, nothing with which to compare historically. It was as it was for those years. Winter snows melted, we pulled off our winter armour, we pulled off heavy windows, and we breathed in the warming air.

We were out of doors creatures of all seasons then - we didn't hibernate in our homes unless not understanding parents left us no choice. Still, a winter season was like a year to an adult - it went on and on and on, while summer flew by with the rapidity of the fastest of our bicycles rolling down our steepest hill.

Now the seasons move more quickly, but the optimism of spring remains a constant. At a time of year where the average high temperature is 60°, we've been running 65-80° for the better part of a week. And over the next two days we push the higher limits of that range.

This is when the ice of our ponds and lakes surrenders to the strength of the sun and warming air, when thick overcoats are tucked away and lighter fare - or no jacket at all - graces our bodies. For those of us born bereft of gaydar and thus more visually dependent, it is a time to take a deep breath and enjoy what our sensory limitations have wrought. :)

This is an interesting year, because the optimism of spring is coupled to the advent of reiki in my life, so it is kind of kewl to contemplate the juxtaposition of the two. I've been wrestling over applying for, then withdrawing my application, for a position that is my dream job. It is the right way to go, but the flip side is it is a sad way to go as well. Ah, but I turn towards the light, ponder the logic, and trust in where I've placed my life.

So come on flowers, come on grass... um... lawn grass... come on lakes, come on my favourite of all birds - our loons - sweep me away (before the mosquitoes find me.)

Rush in my ear

Of those who might be identified as the last to be listening to Rush Limbaugh, I'd be right on that short list. Nelle listen to Limbaugh? Bwahahahaha!

And they would be right. Why then am I posting about listening to Rush? Because his voice is haunting me. It's in my headset at work.

Somehow the station that broadcasts his programme is filtering into our phone line, how I know not. I do know if my volume is turned up - for when I cannot hear a claimant very well - there is Rush ranting away.

Today he was ranting on something liberal, as per usual. And I had to fire back. Hey, Rush has 10 million listening, I have ten people reading. Sounds about even. ;-)

In that ranting Rush moment, I resolved to strike back tonight, in my own very inane and incomprehensible way. It goes something like this:

Hey Rush! Have you noticed, or has anyone pointed out to you that this nation is fucked up beyond all recognition, at least in this moment? Yanno, the old FUBAR acronym? Guess who fucked it up over the last eight years, Rush. Come on, guess. No, it wasn't Al Gore. Nope, not Bill Clinton. Jimmy Carter, geesh... what a reach! He was last president 27 years and change ago, Rush. The Democratic Congress? Only been 15 months on duty. What? Oh, the old Democratic Congress? The one that split in 1995 after the Contract On America? Har! Was that ever aptly named... little did we know then...

As a friend would say... Holy Batfarts, Robin! Hellooooooooooooo... see who has been president the last 7 point whatever years? And much of that time with a Congress in the hands of the GOP? My gosh, not even I could screw things up this bad, but hey... I've come close.

Rush, do you seriously think this nation needs another 4 years of this horror? By the end of that time, we'll have a war on two continents minimum, the economy will have morphed into world irrelevance, and we'll be fractured into 82 fiefdoms. I can't wait to see The Kingdom of Disneyworld on a new map. Hey, at least Mickey as royalty is better than some of the current royalty on the world stage.

I'm not even going to try to list the incredible dunderheaded fuck ups of the last 7 years. OK, make that 6.5... I was kewl with George through the Afghan invasion. He lost me when he started thinking the world was his to shove where he wished to shove it.

At this time, I'm politically discouraged. I've taken refuge from NPR, which is rather beloved to me... but the stuff is just too weighty and serious right now. I'm looking for feel good, for moving towards light. Sea change in my life post reiki. I've always been an optimist, but loved the news as well. I just don't wish to get so bogged down in the inaneness *the two Democrats* are exhibiting to let them take out where my spirit and mental doings currently reside. So it is music for me, and has been for over  two weeks now.

Only one problem remains... would someone please find a way to get Rush off my headset?

Cabin fever

Of the seasonal fevers, spring fever is much preferable to cabin fever. Yet in the semi dark days of winter, it is cabin fever which rules over the human spirit - at least in northern, more snowbound climes.

Over the past week, it has snowed, sleet, or rained about every day. I've lost count of how many times the drive required clearing. Asphalt, visible the entirety of winter, is now covered under a sheath of ice. The property surrounding the home has 30 inches of water saturated snow upon it. With the first snows of December, little real melting has transpired. Yet with several episodes of heavy rain, the water content of the snow pack has to be very high.

If a quick onset, warm and wet March rolls at us, flooding could be a story in this area. I'd guess Georgia would love some of what we have stored on our lawns, fields, and forest.

Now comes the wind and the cold, at least for a couple of days. Yet hope lies not so distantly ahead. We are in the second half of winter. Daylight is beginning to stretch out, the average daily high temperature is on a slow march northward.

In the here and now though, cabin fever lurks. I'd love to be floating in warm water, love to be lurking near warm water, sipping margaritas. This will have to be the province of my imagination. I'll create the imagery within, and daydream I've somehow placed myself in a more soothing and subtle setting.

Spring... lies 39 days out. Surely we can make it here without running straight (gasp!) to Florida?

Gender, the workforce, and Hillary appointments

On the way home this evening, NHPR had a brief blurb on how women are 80% of the banking workforce in New Hampshire, but are only 22% of those serving on banking board of directors.

Sounds about right.

T used to work in the banking industry. When she left to work for an attorney (over 20 years ago) the president of that firm was a huge advocate for women. His grandfather had started the bank she had just left, and for whom he handled all their real estate closings. He would chide the bank president over the lack of women on their board.

If your workforce is skewed so heavily towards women, then we should be well represented in leadership positions.

Yeah, right.

What do we expect from a nation where we are 51% of the populace and 17% of Congress - the highest level ever? What do we expect from a nation which at this very moment has lots of people running around saying "I would vote for a woman - just not Hillary." Ever hear "I could vote for a man - just not _____?"

Somehow I doubt it.

There are many industries where women dominate the workforce yet when one starts looking towards the executive suite, the gender of those working suddenly shifts dramatically.

Tonight I am pondering beyond Hillary - BH. As in she is successful in her pursuit of the presidency, and now it is time to appoint her Cabinet, as well as a whole host of other positions. What then? What would the reaction be if her appointments say... have women representing more than half the appointments?

What then? What is the reaction?

I know not.

Fair play

Being fair, objective, impartial, open minded, etc are things we all strive for in certain situations, and all find they are quite difficult to achieve.

Earlier in life, my profession was evaluation of information - we'd seek out the information, make judgements and assign weight to each risk factor, and decide upon our action. With my current employment, I seek out more specific information, hard facts of what has already transpired, this to render judgement - in contrast to my previous work which involved trying to foresee the future.

The skills are in fact complimentary, in that both require skill in the seeking of information, deciding what is being given to you is important, and discarding what is not. They differ in that what is done with the obtained information.

Since beginning this employment, I've developed skill in being impartial, at least to when it is time not to be impartial - at the end, when my job morphs into assembling fact into a determination of law applied to facts.

This served me well on jury duty, although on the first trial, I was fighting back an urge to ask questions. I'm so used to information flowing into my mind, reacting to it, discerning what within what was just said to me requires additional questioning. It would have been quite a sight if a juror blurted out a question.

Finding a comfort zone

Yesterday was a frustrating workday.

Several events conspired to build my frustration, and ultimately I vented to my supervisor. She is decidedly sympathetic, but the problem here is not her - it's me.

Over the past few years, and especially over the last 18 months, I've assembled certain personal expectations - not just say... with work, but in how I live and conduct myself.

So when something upsets and annoys, my reaction itself will determine how I feel in the aftermath. In this aftermath, I'm upset with me for being frustrated and annoyed.

Life is full of things that will upset and that will annoy. Coping with them is very much a part of life. We cope with such things in different ways... we get pissed off, we go silent, we go into a shell, we ignore, we challenge. My way has evolved through much of this to where it is now - my spirituality.

When a day turns as yesterday did, and I fail to follow the ideal established in my mind, well... there is this feeling of failure. It takes some time in contemplation, to refocus forward, to refocus on my commitment, to strive to do better, to lapse less. That was today, and my resetting point has been found.

This self check mechanism - is something I find heartening. It confirms commitment and belief. In the end, it will keep me within sight of how I wish to live.

Things that interest me...

We generally go about our day putting thought into how to accomplish something, but rarely into what makes us stop and take notice. When scrolling around the internet, or when out and about, what catches your attention?

Here is my attempt to try and sort through what my mind does automatically...

History, all kinds of. The traditional kind some of us love to study, and some of us hate to study. The little visited and or suppressed kind, like women's history. Personal history - please share what makes you who you are, I'll listen. My family history, or personal history. History was a co-major for me, along with Sociology.

Feminism and feminist issues. I've been interested in social issues most of my life. This one is near and dear to me, likely rendered more significant by virtue of my taking the long, winding road to womanhood. Whether the information is an article on actual issues, a specific person, or a novel that touches on and perhaps incorporates a feminist element, I'll be interested. If only Bitch  were monthly, sigh.

LGBT issues and community - shut out and away for so much of my life, the connections established here were like finding where I belonged for the first time.

Politics - I've voted in every major election since turning 18, and have read newspapers since I was in middle school. Not going to change now.

Science - closet science junkie. OK, I'm no science wizard, but the thought of reading through Discover, written for the average lay person like me, is a very pleasant one.

Sports - almost a lifelong Red Sox, Celtics, Patriots, and Bruins fan. Of the four, I'm most naturally drawn to the first two, my real sports passion. If only we had a WNBA team. In the doing? It has been years since I've sailed, but it always appealed, the peacefulness of gliding along in the water. Cross country skiing was always fun, now not done since say... 2001 or so, the last years of marriage.

My daughters - this is no ranking of importance. They and their doings will always be of utmost and primary importance.

Our pets - their unwavering  love and loyalty has meant much along the way. Candy, Cinder, Logan, Sparkles, Licorice, Wellington, and Bailey.

Music - without music, it is difficult to imagine where my life would be. When most everything else would leave me clueless, a pathway would most often be found through music, a language my mind somehow understands.

Spirituality - a late comer on such a list, over the last several years it has become vitally important to me. And we'll leave it there.

Writing - I love to write, but have let my skills atrophy a tad over the past year or so. Separating work from play is sometimes difficult, concise writing versus painting a picture writing.

Communication - Living so much of life with feelings bottled and capped, removing the containers and walls opened up a whole new world.

Travel - flying used to scare me silly. I now miss it. And driving? Commuting almost 100 miles a day for 28 months still has not curbed my love of the drive.

Weather - another long time passion. As with science, there is so much fascination to be found in weather. And that is in terms of subject matter. I love rain, used to love snow, love warm, detest cold, love a warm summer breeze.

Gender - this one is tricky. I don't often seek to read books related to gender dysphoria, but shorter, online news and articles will generally interest me.

Shopping - OK, I love to shop. End of story.

Refreshments - For the love of a good beer.

Food - can you say 'enchiladas?'

Language - UK English, please.

Reading - a great passion, lost to me for a few years during the worst of my dysfunction. It is nice to have it back with me. A subset of this is what I choose to read. At one time, Clancy was a must read. Now... reading a Clancy novel through a whole new set of eyes, and the the right wing, misogynist pov reeks from the pages. And working on borrowed time, I look for the works of women first.

There are lots of things undoubtedly omitted, ah, but editing is a very useful feature at times.