swim beyond the imagery

Recent and relevant imagery

Reiki I & II at the end of March, surgery on 7 May. Both have impacted my life a great deal.

I'm well into recovery mode now, and return to work tomorrow. I'm dragging slightly, but after spending several days drugged and sleeping, small wonder.

I've already put up a couple of photos from the day of surgery. I'm going to put up a few more, not that there will be any startling revelation in any of them.

If you excuse the graphic detail, the outside at this point is far more appealing than the inside. There is still occasional and slight bleeding, and this results in dried blood building up inside. What to do? Well... irrigate that nose, young woman. So thrice or more daily, I stand over sink, mouth open and downward, and squirt saline solution up into my nostrils, letting it run out through whatever passageway it first comes to.

That is followed by peroxide swabbing. Grossed out yet?

On a more pleasant note, I've included a pic of my Reiki bear and where she parks.

You need a name

10 years ago this fall, my first steps into online contact were taken. In April of 1998, cable internet became available in our town, and I was among the first to sign on, this for work purposes.

Initially I tiptoed through what was out here, really having no real clue for the already burgeoning communities like say... geocities. That seems like ancient history now.

The first place I ever wrote and uploaded a comment was on some long forgotten transgender site, and I'd probably cringe to read how tentative and unknowing and unwilling and apologetic it all was. Sort of Seinfeldian 'not that there is anything wrong with this...'

A bit later, I came across a more active locale, and drew up and out the courage to share. Keep in mind that at that stage, 'transgender' was a new word to me. Before I posted much, someone messaged me and stated I needed an online name. What to use?

Well, my name was Raymond (always hated that one, but also the derivatives, most notably 'ray ray,' and 'ramona.' (The former my relatives, the later my sister.)

OK... name, what to choose? This wasn't a profound moment (initially) so raymond became raye. Ah, but then it got a bit deeper. Pondering for a while, thinking through names, thinking through those I knew and know, memory of a very dear friend from our past came to me. At that stage, I was 7 years out from our last contact. And now I switch to a bit about her.

In 1977, at the Christmas party for T's (my ex) new employer, we set and dined and partied with her co-worker and partner. We all hit it off smashingly.

Before too long, we were outside, climbing into my Land Cruiser, A and me in back, T and E in front. We pass a doobie around, laugh at whatever inanity had befallen us in the moment. Soon enough I was cursing our having met. A dared T to take my vehicle out on the course. A golf course. Bare ground. Early December. Manicured grounds. No, T... no. Please? Oh, shit. A, ya damn fool, why did ya dare her?

Off we go. I'm pleading, she isn't listening. We are going in circles. Get off the damn course! Finally, much to my relief, she did. Nothing like a bit of idiotic trauma to cement a relationship.

Over the next couple of years, we four were inseparable. To Maine, to Vermont. To visit each other. To meet at a local watering hole 3-4 times a week. She implanted forever in my mind the simple statement 'always forward, never straight!' And then...

E discovered cocaine. With that, this story goes backward in time.

3 or so years before we met, she was in a local park, all of 16 years old. Out of the shadows of a very unusual and prominent tree in the park (we would pass it quite frequently) came a guy who dragged her into the shadow and raped her.

Pregnant.

And her mom, being a good religious mom, refused to let her daughter abort. You are going to live with your older sister and have the baby. She did. And then had to place the child up for adoption. Please know that even though I knew her not then, this story still rips my heart out, what not to do for your child. E... smiling, effervescent, E... rolled with it, adapted, survived.

And now, 3 years later, it claimed her through cocaine.

We drifted apart, they divorced, not ever a good match... she for cocaine, he for alcohol. We lost touch. Fast forward to the birth of my eldest. T runs into E somewhere about town. We get together - with a new love of her life, coincidentally, the son of the obstetrician who saw to the birthing of my daughter.

R. R owned a restaurant with his sister. He was a dynamite chef, and a really, really, really nice guy. He chased E off of cocaine, straightened her out. We began seeing a lot of each other, as if some reprise in a more grown up way. R prepared wondrous dinners, provided wondrous dining experiences for the four of us. This went on for several years, until in 1991, my clock radio signaled the start of another work week by way of the morning's headlines.

My brain was moving out of the surreality of sleep, into the fog of another day. The newscaster talked of a murder in Nashua Saturday night. It seems a couple and a friend had gone to Boston to see the Bruins. They came back to dine at another restaurant (not R's) in town. Since it was an inclement weather night, two of the party went to get the car after they finished dining. A drug induced teen approached them as they got in their car. He was demanding their money. They ignored him, and tried to drive away.

A shot rang out, right square into the driver's brain.

The newscaster gives the name of the deceased. And I felt the blood in my body chill to freezing. 

No. No! I wake T. We both are panicking. We both are losing it. It can't be true.

It was.

The last I saw of E was 17 years ago, at the wake. She was now a mom, for they had married... had a one year old son, who was now without a dad.

When it came time to finish out my name, as soon as Ellen came to me, I knew there would be no other. One of the guiding lights of my life, such a wonderfully upbeat and positive human being, she endured so much pain, and kept moving, kept living.

So while 'raye' is my original name, truncated, Ellen carries a boatload of meaning for me. 

I miss you

Last Friday evening was typical for the once biweekly deposit of my biweekly salary. I sat around here toying with the computer, about to make the short drive to my old home, this in order to drop off child support. I deliver. :) And the reason is simple: it is needed. It gets there immediately.

Last Friday night, in that time prior to leaving, proved anything but typical. A message flashed at the bottom of my screen. Hmmmm, is from K. I click to open... now the font she uses does not jive with the background I use, so in order to read the message, I have to highlight it... there are five short words.

"Dad, I really miss you."

You can stop a truck with those words. A breath. A heart. Mine.

Another line forms. "Would it be ok if I spend every other weekend at your house?"

You don't have to ask me twice.

Now for the record, my daughters are the only two people out of 6 plus billion on this planet who can call me 'dad' and have me totally kewl with that usage. They have the right. I don't give a shit what anyone else thinks, don't care if they use the term in a restaurant (they have) they are my daughters. I love them unconditionally, they can call me what they wish.

This is a big step.  This is a big hurdle to overcome.  It won't be easy, because a week is a long time. A week after 5 years is a longer time. It takes readjustment to new circumstance to just make that first step. I have no idea if we do this this weekend, the weekend after, or a month from now. I've even been pondering wearing one of my iVillage hats with my hair tied back if that will ease the reconnection.

Sunday was spent cleaning up a room for her, moving furniture around, having it functional... and when she comes on over, we'll set to her putting a personal touch on things.

Is funny... I've really found a good place to help me move forward with life with reiki, and as I work with that (right now, I'm doing a session each night, and part of me could delve into it all day, such is the pull) along comes my daughter's request. Both have left me smiling, both have me smiling.

And funny... I miss her too. Does anyone have any idea what it will be like when I get out of my car seat, go to the passenger side and set, whilst she takes the wheel? I'm going to lose it, will lose my ability to guide to the liquefying of my vision, so she had better have good driving skills. :)

Technodyke passing

Today is the day an old friend passes from usage.

So much has been brought to my life via the interactions on technodyke, but after over 8 years, the forum has run its course. I'm obviously emotional about this day. I'd like to take a moment to extend thanks to Stacy for what she created and brought to so many lives, and to those who did the technical work to keep it all running. Good thoughts flow to all I've met there who have become friends, and to 3 in particular who have touched my life in so very many nice ways. As usual, you know who you are :)

From old life comes new life, rebirth and a move towards what is next in life. You have read of my recent experiences, and so too will all who came to love the place find good things to move toward to. More to be written on new life in the next posting.

So goodbye my friend, big yellow. What you have brought me will be with me forever.

Music rising

It depends on how one wishes to view this. Intentionally ignorant? A week behind and climbing?

I'm normally a faithful devoté of NPR, or rather in this area NHPR. There are days when music is my audio pleasure of choice, but most often it is National Public Radio.

Not so this past week.

The news just did not appeal, call, or interest me. Last week's training left me in this state of mind, and I'm uncertain how long it will continue before news once again captures my interest. I touch it peripherally once home, venturing onto the local news sites, as well as the Google aggregates and MSNBC.

Tomorrow I'll probably throw together another cd mix of songs for my daily commute. That and having to change the halogen bulb for low beam on the passenger side of my car - that requires pulling the entire headlamp assembly, but it does not take long. Perhaps I should take it through a car wash as well.

Anyway, you know my life has fundamentally shifted when news stuff is uninteresting. Music has always been huge in my life, but so too feminism, lgbt issues, and politics. And best of all, I had a great week with cartunes.

Reiki, level two

I've waited a couple of days before writing this post, as I needed time to let things settle in. A couple of days of work, one (today) exclusively spent with someone fresh out of training, helping him get on a good pathway in work.

The reason for the need for settling is simple. Level two, despite a warning from another, overwhelmed my emotions. Said warning came from someone on iVillage, who has also been through both levels. Her advice was simple: take the next day off if you can, because your emotions will be running high.

After training ended, I wrote a response giving details of the day, and that emotionally I was fine. F-i-n-e sort of fine, and just didn't know it. An hour later, I did... and sent another response, with update.

Saturday was very interesting, and bonds were built. An hour or so in on Sunday, and I should have realised where the day was headed. As I observed and then drew one symbol, this overwhelming feeling I've drawn it countless times came over me, stronger than any deja vu experience - I just flat out *know* I've done this, and that left me on that level of heightened senses through the day.

Saturday's work left no time for a full reiki session on me, as we did my classmates. So Sunday was my turn, and that... is where things went mildly wild emotionally. Ah, but why? Damn if I know...

People were talking on seeing colour on occasion, for me there was nothing like that, but hey... I don't need that to appreciate this. So I'm on the table, two students and two Masters start in and... several minutes in, I started to see some blue. Not solid blue, intermittent not quite dotted, but you get the idea. And my first inclination was "yeah, right nelle... your mind is doing this, and so you can see whatever colour you wish to see." So I tried to change the colour, don't even know what colour was chosen as replacement. And it stayed blue. ruh roh. So kewl, we'll go with the flow, and eventually it was a mint green then a moment of yellow, and finally a very dull violet. At this point, I am spectator in my own mind. Nothing unusual there ;-)

OK, time to get on my back... and everyone starts in anew. The instructor did my shoulder blade area, and this is when spectator gets a bit overwhelmed. The other stuff already had me in a mild state emotionally, no biggie... but when my shoulder blade area started feeling like I was in a chiropractors office with electrical stimulation, albeit what I was feeling was far more subtle, I almost said something, but kept my mouth shut until the after.

Hey, maybe the furnace came on and I was too dumb and lost in things to notice ;-) but the timing was pretty awesome if it was, rofl. And it is funny - in the days since, I've talked to people who have done this (and of which I was unaware) and this is one of the first things they inquire on, the stuff felt during that time. And their words make me laugh like hell, because the memory carried is so intense.

When I left there for the day,  my emotions were at a very high and wonderful level - this was something that suddenly burst into my life over the last few months, and well, it has already changed me psychologically. If nothing else, that part is wondrous. My view of everything is so different.

This all started with my therapist, and my message to her was simply - this has changed my life forever. I know not where it will take me, maybe this is it, who knows? What I do know is that the reason for pursuing it to begin with - namely my needing more than therapy to heal - was hugely impacted. It has given me a quiet confidence where there was tentativeness or even skittishness, better able to manage and in fact move past the overwhelming guilt that sometimes comes to me. Heck, I've already had a  dream centred on reiki. Four days in and that just seems astounding to me. In point of fact, the dream was Sunday night.

Most who know me know Sue Monk Kidd's Dance Of The Dissident Daughter had a huge impact upon me. Huge. Yet Dance was passively but rather goose 'bumpily' read over days, a couple of weeks, over my breaks.

This... was two 9 hour days of intensive, active, involvement. All in all, a wonderful blessing that, as usual, comes at the exact right time.

One more thing... this is the 6th anniversary of my April Fool's Day melt down, the day I finally admitted out loud to being a trannie. And... funny, while I remember this as happening, it isn't an overwhelming memory any longer. :)

Reiki, level one

After my weekly, quick pilgrimage to the town waste facility, I headed for Southern NH Reiki Center.

We chatted for a short while, then settled in to learning basic information about what we would be doing. This was followed by attunements, and then a break for lunch. Astoundingly, it was 1 pm... and if I'd have guessed, would have said no later than 11... time absolutely flew by, a sure sign of an intriguing and interesting subject.

After a very light lunch, we went through more elements, and finished the day in hands on reiki. It was so weird... in a coolish room, standing unmoving but with hands on a fellow student, within a few minutes I was moving rapidly to breaking out in a sweat.

It was a fun day, an interesting day, a bonding day. One student is an RN, bringing reiki into her work activities. The second student is a beautician, and given how she hears the story of lives routinely, saw a need to be able to do a bit more. And then there was me...

funny how I feel so comfortable with M and J, and wish to stay in touch. Email addies will be forthcoming.

Tomorrow... level two, and another journey I look forward to making. Arriving timely but last, the training day began at 9 am. There were 3 of us training, and by the end of the day, hugs were circulating as we headed back to our lives. Amazing what one day engaged in such training can do to bond people to one another.

Rainbow

The name did not originate with me.

Last fall, my co-workers gave me a small fish bowl in which to house the accompanying beta. Unfortunately, said original fish was gone in a day or so, succumbing while I was on jury duty. Feeling badly about the sick fish, my boss donated one of her very own, a fish called Rainbow.

My understanding is Rainbow is over a year old now. He keeps me company during my work day. I'll glance over and see him chasing and eating bubbles, staring at me, darting to and fro and down and up, and stealthily sneaking up on the latest morsels of fish food I've dropped into the bowl.

After a month or two in the smallish home, I decided to go big. Now this is an office, and this is a beta, so 'big' is relative. I purchased an overgrown goldfish bowl, one that holds 1.5 gallons of spring water. Into this went shiny 'rocks' for the bottom, a stone arch, and a couple of plastic weeds. Now Rainbow is the proud owner of the biggest fish house in the neighbourhood.

Occasionally I wiggle my blue pen past the bowl. Originally Rainbow would get all excited, thinking another beta was in the vicinity. My understanding is they really don't care for other betas hanging out in their space. To test this, we've put bowls next to each other, and once they spot the fish in the next tank, they really start dancing around.

I'm not sure how Rainbow came to be called Rainbow... but he is a fun companion as I scurry about my work duties.

NORAD watch

It first came to our attention in the 1990's, not long after we had our first full time internet connection.

I'm uncertain whether it was a television news report, magazine story, or article in a newspaper (most probably the latter) but I set out in search of NORAD Tracks Santa. Beaming with achievement at finding a functioning site, my daughters and partner were quickly and excitedly called into the room.

Everyone thought this was kewl (and truth be told, I loved the more basic versions of that time) but watching the expressions on K's face... priceless. More than once I had to hide away tears as she excitedly watched the monitor, asking more questions than her mouth could keep up with. This child was into it.

The updates then were on the hour, what you would have in between were clips of the various hourly updates. And when Santa had cleared Europe, on his way west towards the North American coast, well... the real show was watching a child believe heart and soul, in that so precious innocence that leave us all too soon, imagine something mysterious and wonderful was unfolding in front of her eyes.

What is left is the memories of a child robbed of her innocence all too soon, and by no one else but me, a parent who succumbed to my own mysterious and not well understood mind. That does not make me a bad person, and it does not taint this memory.

Now NORAD knows a good thing when it sees it. I imagine those who work there, people whose job it is to watch out for harm which might head our way, find welcome relief and joy in putting together this annual event. They have used the tools of the digital age to create one more way to make a child smile.

You need a palm tree

On my second to last visit to the west coast, more specifically to San Francisco, a number of stories were in play.

On the surface, my business was thriving. We were about a year out from having bought another agency. Below the surface, my down slide was already beginning, my mind had stepped over the hilltop and was walking downward, albeit indiscernible except in retrospect. There was the small matter of my flying issues, being away from work for 5 days, visiting with my sister in law (someone I always thought much of), and the need for a palm tree.

A palm tree? In New Hampshire?

Um, no. In California. Yeah, I know CA has palm trees - that is the point, and that is this story. More in a moment.

This was in 2001, and marks the end of my living a stable life, within that former life. It was really the last significant and happy family time. And it makes this story sort of important to me, in a hindsight sort of way.

Now for that tree.

My sis in law lived on a hillside in Moss Beach, a shady location, a modest but nice home with a prominent deck. As a native of a cold (temperate) climate, used to harsh winters and warm summers, a palm tree is a symbol of what does not exist year round here. It is so kewl to contemplate oranges and grapefruit growing in one's backyard (as I later experienced visiting a friend in Simi Valley) and to see the reeds of palm lazily moving in a breeze.

Except... there was no palm tree. So that became a theme for the visit, my teasing her over her lack of symbolic foliage necessary to assuage my need to know I was in a less harsh locale.

After the all too brief trip was over, after we were safely back at home, after I renewed my inexorable march towards shedding my shell and descending into temporary total oblivion, the illusion of all being well was still present. So too was the humour of that running palm tree theme.

In the spirit of that humour, I set out to correct this missing element. After some internet searching and a phone call or two, a nice (outdoor) palm tree was on its way to her home.

We had a wonderful conversation in the aftermath of the tree's arrival; ultimately, I never had the opportunity to see this tree in person - there was to be no further trips. In a bit over 2 years, 27.5 years of interconnected family history was over.

The tree came to mind today, and before it again faded into the folder 7 year old memories go, thought I'd splash it on the blog.