swim beyond the imagery

Healing energy in the news

Just came across a story on SFGate on Energy therapy: Where mysticism meets science.

It is interesting to watch how we are moving toward a place where we recognise the world we see is not quite structured as our senses record it. Sort of like a car, what we see is the body, a part of the car that really has more to do with aesthetics than with the actual functioning of the car. Remove it, and we see there is quite a bit going on that is usually well hidden.

The fact is, energy therapies have impact. I personally cannot write enough on how my life was lacking a final element to heal, that when the realisation finally came, when I found Reiki, what was missing was... found. It has had a huge impact on my life. It empowers me when challenged by some issue. It empowers me when another is hurting, giving me a means to silently do something.

The various methodologies of energy healing, and there are many, are increasingly an everyday presence in our health facilities in this region.  There is  physical impact, there is psychological impact.  There is an expressed approach of working with medical professionals as part of a healing team - it can help make a health issue so much easier to face and deal with, all without creating dilemmas in choice of care approach.

It is interesting that the Bay Area - a place traditionally seen as leading the curve in new unconventional things, is now just moving towards seeing this as a worthy thing in care.

It has been... 57 days since certifying level II in Reiki, and it remains my firm belief embracing it changed my life. I'll see my therapist in 10 days, and cannot wait to talk on this subject - our first visit since we discussed my move to learn Reiki.

Recent and relevant imagery

Reiki I & II at the end of March, surgery on 7 May. Both have impacted my life a great deal.

I'm well into recovery mode now, and return to work tomorrow. I'm dragging slightly, but after spending several days drugged and sleeping, small wonder.

I've already put up a couple of photos from the day of surgery. I'm going to put up a few more, not that there will be any startling revelation in any of them.

If you excuse the graphic detail, the outside at this point is far more appealing than the inside. There is still occasional and slight bleeding, and this results in dried blood building up inside. What to do? Well... irrigate that nose, young woman. So thrice or more daily, I stand over sink, mouth open and downward, and squirt saline solution up into my nostrils, letting it run out through whatever passageway it first comes to.

That is followed by peroxide swabbing. Grossed out yet?

On a more pleasant note, I've included a pic of my Reiki bear and where she parks.

The Optimism of Spring

In my first decade of life, spring wasn't something you contemplated, it was something you experienced.

There was no perspective, nothing with which to compare historically. It was as it was for those years. Winter snows melted, we pulled off our winter armour, we pulled off heavy windows, and we breathed in the warming air.

We were out of doors creatures of all seasons then - we didn't hibernate in our homes unless not understanding parents left us no choice. Still, a winter season was like a year to an adult - it went on and on and on, while summer flew by with the rapidity of the fastest of our bicycles rolling down our steepest hill.

Now the seasons move more quickly, but the optimism of spring remains a constant. At a time of year where the average high temperature is 60°, we've been running 65-80° for the better part of a week. And over the next two days we push the higher limits of that range.

This is when the ice of our ponds and lakes surrenders to the strength of the sun and warming air, when thick overcoats are tucked away and lighter fare - or no jacket at all - graces our bodies. For those of us born bereft of gaydar and thus more visually dependent, it is a time to take a deep breath and enjoy what our sensory limitations have wrought. :)

This is an interesting year, because the optimism of spring is coupled to the advent of reiki in my life, so it is kind of kewl to contemplate the juxtaposition of the two. I've been wrestling over applying for, then withdrawing my application, for a position that is my dream job. It is the right way to go, but the flip side is it is a sad way to go as well. Ah, but I turn towards the light, ponder the logic, and trust in where I've placed my life.

So come on flowers, come on grass... um... lawn grass... come on lakes, come on my favourite of all birds - our loons - sweep me away (before the mosquitoes find me.)

Tires are tired

I've noticed one of my front tires is a bit distressed, as in rather absent much tread. ruh roh...

Time to call the tire place tomorrow and order a new one. Every time I do, the price goes up $30 due to the rising cost of oil... so this should require either a mortgage or a Powerball win.

So I've been lazy and not had the car aligned, guess that should be a summer chore. I've sensed the tire was nearing the end of its shelf life, as higher speeds no longer produce a smooth ride, so tire is saying 'slow down or I'll blow!"

And I'm personally tired from a wonderful reiki session last night. Here I thought we'd be done at nine, but Beth wished to send a healthy dose of reiki my way, and it was surely appreciated... leaving me feel wonderfully upon finishing. So I need to delve into reiki a bit earlier tonight, and get some rest.

Rush in my ear

Of those who might be identified as the last to be listening to Rush Limbaugh, I'd be right on that short list. Nelle listen to Limbaugh? Bwahahahaha!

And they would be right. Why then am I posting about listening to Rush? Because his voice is haunting me. It's in my headset at work.

Somehow the station that broadcasts his programme is filtering into our phone line, how I know not. I do know if my volume is turned up - for when I cannot hear a claimant very well - there is Rush ranting away.

Today he was ranting on something liberal, as per usual. And I had to fire back. Hey, Rush has 10 million listening, I have ten people reading. Sounds about even. ;-)

In that ranting Rush moment, I resolved to strike back tonight, in my own very inane and incomprehensible way. It goes something like this:

Hey Rush! Have you noticed, or has anyone pointed out to you that this nation is fucked up beyond all recognition, at least in this moment? Yanno, the old FUBAR acronym? Guess who fucked it up over the last eight years, Rush. Come on, guess. No, it wasn't Al Gore. Nope, not Bill Clinton. Jimmy Carter, geesh... what a reach! He was last president 27 years and change ago, Rush. The Democratic Congress? Only been 15 months on duty. What? Oh, the old Democratic Congress? The one that split in 1995 after the Contract On America? Har! Was that ever aptly named... little did we know then...

As a friend would say... Holy Batfarts, Robin! Hellooooooooooooo... see who has been president the last 7 point whatever years? And much of that time with a Congress in the hands of the GOP? My gosh, not even I could screw things up this bad, but hey... I've come close.

Rush, do you seriously think this nation needs another 4 years of this horror? By the end of that time, we'll have a war on two continents minimum, the economy will have morphed into world irrelevance, and we'll be fractured into 82 fiefdoms. I can't wait to see The Kingdom of Disneyworld on a new map. Hey, at least Mickey as royalty is better than some of the current royalty on the world stage.

I'm not even going to try to list the incredible dunderheaded fuck ups of the last 7 years. OK, make that 6.5... I was kewl with George through the Afghan invasion. He lost me when he started thinking the world was his to shove where he wished to shove it.

At this time, I'm politically discouraged. I've taken refuge from NPR, which is rather beloved to me... but the stuff is just too weighty and serious right now. I'm looking for feel good, for moving towards light. Sea change in my life post reiki. I've always been an optimist, but loved the news as well. I just don't wish to get so bogged down in the inaneness *the two Democrats* are exhibiting to let them take out where my spirit and mental doings currently reside. So it is music for me, and has been for over  two weeks now.

Only one problem remains... would someone please find a way to get Rush off my headset?

Music rising

It depends on how one wishes to view this. Intentionally ignorant? A week behind and climbing?

I'm normally a faithful devoté of NPR, or rather in this area NHPR. There are days when music is my audio pleasure of choice, but most often it is National Public Radio.

Not so this past week.

The news just did not appeal, call, or interest me. Last week's training left me in this state of mind, and I'm uncertain how long it will continue before news once again captures my interest. I touch it peripherally once home, venturing onto the local news sites, as well as the Google aggregates and MSNBC.

Tomorrow I'll probably throw together another cd mix of songs for my daily commute. That and having to change the halogen bulb for low beam on the passenger side of my car - that requires pulling the entire headlamp assembly, but it does not take long. Perhaps I should take it through a car wash as well.

Anyway, you know my life has fundamentally shifted when news stuff is uninteresting. Music has always been huge in my life, but so too feminism, lgbt issues, and politics. And best of all, I had a great week with cartunes.

Reiki, level two

I've waited a couple of days before writing this post, as I needed time to let things settle in. A couple of days of work, one (today) exclusively spent with someone fresh out of training, helping him get on a good pathway in work.

The reason for the need for settling is simple. Level two, despite a warning from another, overwhelmed my emotions. Said warning came from someone on iVillage, who has also been through both levels. Her advice was simple: take the next day off if you can, because your emotions will be running high.

After training ended, I wrote a response giving details of the day, and that emotionally I was fine. F-i-n-e sort of fine, and just didn't know it. An hour later, I did... and sent another response, with update.

Saturday was very interesting, and bonds were built. An hour or so in on Sunday, and I should have realised where the day was headed. As I observed and then drew one symbol, this overwhelming feeling I've drawn it countless times came over me, stronger than any deja vu experience - I just flat out *know* I've done this, and that left me on that level of heightened senses through the day.

Saturday's work left no time for a full reiki session on me, as we did my classmates. So Sunday was my turn, and that... is where things went mildly wild emotionally. Ah, but why? Damn if I know...

People were talking on seeing colour on occasion, for me there was nothing like that, but hey... I don't need that to appreciate this. So I'm on the table, two students and two Masters start in and... several minutes in, I started to see some blue. Not solid blue, intermittent not quite dotted, but you get the idea. And my first inclination was "yeah, right nelle... your mind is doing this, and so you can see whatever colour you wish to see." So I tried to change the colour, don't even know what colour was chosen as replacement. And it stayed blue. ruh roh. So kewl, we'll go with the flow, and eventually it was a mint green then a moment of yellow, and finally a very dull violet. At this point, I am spectator in my own mind. Nothing unusual there ;-)

OK, time to get on my back... and everyone starts in anew. The instructor did my shoulder blade area, and this is when spectator gets a bit overwhelmed. The other stuff already had me in a mild state emotionally, no biggie... but when my shoulder blade area started feeling like I was in a chiropractors office with electrical stimulation, albeit what I was feeling was far more subtle, I almost said something, but kept my mouth shut until the after.

Hey, maybe the furnace came on and I was too dumb and lost in things to notice ;-) but the timing was pretty awesome if it was, rofl. And it is funny - in the days since, I've talked to people who have done this (and of which I was unaware) and this is one of the first things they inquire on, the stuff felt during that time. And their words make me laugh like hell, because the memory carried is so intense.

When I left there for the day,  my emotions were at a very high and wonderful level - this was something that suddenly burst into my life over the last few months, and well, it has already changed me psychologically. If nothing else, that part is wondrous. My view of everything is so different.

This all started with my therapist, and my message to her was simply - this has changed my life forever. I know not where it will take me, maybe this is it, who knows? What I do know is that the reason for pursuing it to begin with - namely my needing more than therapy to heal - was hugely impacted. It has given me a quiet confidence where there was tentativeness or even skittishness, better able to manage and in fact move past the overwhelming guilt that sometimes comes to me. Heck, I've already had a  dream centred on reiki. Four days in and that just seems astounding to me. In point of fact, the dream was Sunday night.

Most who know me know Sue Monk Kidd's Dance Of The Dissident Daughter had a huge impact upon me. Huge. Yet Dance was passively but rather goose 'bumpily' read over days, a couple of weeks, over my breaks.

This... was two 9 hour days of intensive, active, involvement. All in all, a wonderful blessing that, as usual, comes at the exact right time.

One more thing... this is the 6th anniversary of my April Fool's Day melt down, the day I finally admitted out loud to being a trannie. And... funny, while I remember this as happening, it isn't an overwhelming memory any longer. :)

Reiki, level one

After my weekly, quick pilgrimage to the town waste facility, I headed for Southern NH Reiki Center.

We chatted for a short while, then settled in to learning basic information about what we would be doing. This was followed by attunements, and then a break for lunch. Astoundingly, it was 1 pm... and if I'd have guessed, would have said no later than 11... time absolutely flew by, a sure sign of an intriguing and interesting subject.

After a very light lunch, we went through more elements, and finished the day in hands on reiki. It was so weird... in a coolish room, standing unmoving but with hands on a fellow student, within a few minutes I was moving rapidly to breaking out in a sweat.

It was a fun day, an interesting day, a bonding day. One student is an RN, bringing reiki into her work activities. The second student is a beautician, and given how she hears the story of lives routinely, saw a need to be able to do a bit more. And then there was me...

funny how I feel so comfortable with M and J, and wish to stay in touch. Email addies will be forthcoming.

Tomorrow... level two, and another journey I look forward to making. Arriving timely but last, the training day began at 9 am. There were 3 of us training, and by the end of the day, hugs were circulating as we headed back to our lives. Amazing what one day engaged in such training can do to bond people to one another.

Finding a comfort zone

Yesterday was a frustrating workday.

Several events conspired to build my frustration, and ultimately I vented to my supervisor. She is decidedly sympathetic, but the problem here is not her - it's me.

Over the past few years, and especially over the last 18 months, I've assembled certain personal expectations - not just say... with work, but in how I live and conduct myself.

So when something upsets and annoys, my reaction itself will determine how I feel in the aftermath. In this aftermath, I'm upset with me for being frustrated and annoyed.

Life is full of things that will upset and that will annoy. Coping with them is very much a part of life. We cope with such things in different ways... we get pissed off, we go silent, we go into a shell, we ignore, we challenge. My way has evolved through much of this to where it is now - my spirituality.

When a day turns as yesterday did, and I fail to follow the ideal established in my mind, well... there is this feeling of failure. It takes some time in contemplation, to refocus forward, to refocus on my commitment, to strive to do better, to lapse less. That was today, and my resetting point has been found.

This self check mechanism - is something I find heartening. It confirms commitment and belief. In the end, it will keep me within sight of how I wish to live.

Things that interest me...

We generally go about our day putting thought into how to accomplish something, but rarely into what makes us stop and take notice. When scrolling around the internet, or when out and about, what catches your attention?

Here is my attempt to try and sort through what my mind does automatically...

History, all kinds of. The traditional kind some of us love to study, and some of us hate to study. The little visited and or suppressed kind, like women's history. Personal history - please share what makes you who you are, I'll listen. My family history, or personal history. History was a co-major for me, along with Sociology.

Feminism and feminist issues. I've been interested in social issues most of my life. This one is near and dear to me, likely rendered more significant by virtue of my taking the long, winding road to womanhood. Whether the information is an article on actual issues, a specific person, or a novel that touches on and perhaps incorporates a feminist element, I'll be interested. If only Bitch  were monthly, sigh.

LGBT issues and community - shut out and away for so much of my life, the connections established here were like finding where I belonged for the first time.

Politics - I've voted in every major election since turning 18, and have read newspapers since I was in middle school. Not going to change now.

Science - closet science junkie. OK, I'm no science wizard, but the thought of reading through Discover, written for the average lay person like me, is a very pleasant one.

Sports - almost a lifelong Red Sox, Celtics, Patriots, and Bruins fan. Of the four, I'm most naturally drawn to the first two, my real sports passion. If only we had a WNBA team. In the doing? It has been years since I've sailed, but it always appealed, the peacefulness of gliding along in the water. Cross country skiing was always fun, now not done since say... 2001 or so, the last years of marriage.

My daughters - this is no ranking of importance. They and their doings will always be of utmost and primary importance.

Our pets - their unwavering  love and loyalty has meant much along the way. Candy, Cinder, Logan, Sparkles, Licorice, Wellington, and Bailey.

Music - without music, it is difficult to imagine where my life would be. When most everything else would leave me clueless, a pathway would most often be found through music, a language my mind somehow understands.

Spirituality - a late comer on such a list, over the last several years it has become vitally important to me. And we'll leave it there.

Writing - I love to write, but have let my skills atrophy a tad over the past year or so. Separating work from play is sometimes difficult, concise writing versus painting a picture writing.

Communication - Living so much of life with feelings bottled and capped, removing the containers and walls opened up a whole new world.

Travel - flying used to scare me silly. I now miss it. And driving? Commuting almost 100 miles a day for 28 months still has not curbed my love of the drive.

Weather - another long time passion. As with science, there is so much fascination to be found in weather. And that is in terms of subject matter. I love rain, used to love snow, love warm, detest cold, love a warm summer breeze.

Gender - this one is tricky. I don't often seek to read books related to gender dysphoria, but shorter, online news and articles will generally interest me.

Shopping - OK, I love to shop. End of story.

Refreshments - For the love of a good beer.

Food - can you say 'enchiladas?'

Language - UK English, please.

Reading - a great passion, lost to me for a few years during the worst of my dysfunction. It is nice to have it back with me. A subset of this is what I choose to read. At one time, Clancy was a must read. Now... reading a Clancy novel through a whole new set of eyes, and the the right wing, misogynist pov reeks from the pages. And working on borrowed time, I look for the works of women first.

There are lots of things undoubtedly omitted, ah, but editing is a very useful feature at times.